"This is Space Police HQ. File your report at the reception desk and proceed to the indicated department. And no running in the halls."
Space Trooper: "Have a nice day"
Aubergine: "My friend here is really into the barrel-rotating game."
Cantaloupe: "I may not look like much, but I have some barrel-rotatin' skills. Once, I rotated it 68 times"
Brioche: "Hey. I'm going for the record in the barrel-rotating game. I'm on number 10 right now. That's about ten more than you!"
Space Trooper: "Don't let me catch you sassing me with your eyes like that, or you're gonna get a sassy eyes citation!"
Bossa: "Muwahaha! I got caught trying to sell a magic salamander on the black market. Why am I laughing about it? I have no idea. Prison isn't funny. Well, maybe a little funny. MUWAHAHAH!"
Space Trooper: "Can you believe there are people this psycho roaming the streets? It's scary. It really is."
Space Trooper: "Hey, you! Want to hear my song?"
- (No) "Ahem."
- (Yes) "Felt like I'd never be promoted... But then a sorcerer taught me a little spell. "Whatever you say!" When your boss gives a weird order, when irrationality rules the day, if they tell you black is white just chant this spell, and your career's all right! "Whatever you say!" "You got it!" "Comin' right up!" It's the way to get promoted. "Whatever you want!""
- (falls on ground)
- "What do you think? I could rock a crowd with that one, right?"
Space Trooper: "Yeah...this isn't good. The salamander escaped. I guess we should have put a guard on him. You know, since he can use magic and all. The fugitive may still be in the area, so I want every patrol in the city hunting him down!"
Secretary: "This is the chief's office. Do you have an appointment? No? How shocking. I never would have guessed. You'll need an appointment to speak with the chief."
Space Trooper: "This is the Space Police HQ reception desk. I'm going to have to ask you to fill out a short questionnaire. Please provide your name, date of birth, home world, blood type, hobbies, favorite movie star, credit card number, names of any and all interstellar space treaties to which you may be a signatory, known contagious diseases, pager number, father's maiden name, pet's middle name, eye color, hair color, dyed hair color, preferred salsa hotness, number of toes, and for the gorgeous females, whether you prefer candlelight dinners or long walks on the beach."
- (screen fades out)
- "You...you actually finished it? Most people give up when the hand cramps set in! Take this packet to the counter all the way on the left. That's the bureau of Astro-Pirate Affairs."
Pirate Affairs: "Pirates, you say? That's our specialty. Wait, it says here on page 27 of your questionnaire that you're from Kovomaka. Kovomaka? Is that even a planet? Well, you're a foreigner. That's a big red flag in our system. You'll have to show some ID at the immigration counter. Oh, and think LOTS of paperwork."
Immigration: "This is the Intergalactic Immigration counter. Why are you seeking permanent-resident status? Wait, you're not? So you're a tourist? Why people insist on wasting my time, I have no idea. Go to the Intergalactic Family Fun Tourist Center desk. They're the second counter from the right.:
Travel Agent: "Welcome to the Intergalactic Family Fun Tourist Center. Whaddya want?! You don't need an ID if your a tourist. That's what tourists do. They TOUR around. You seem confused. Or stupid. Either way, you should head to Informational Inquiries."
Inquiries: "Yeeesssss? This is Informational Inquiries. So you've got pirate problems? Join the club. The Deep Space Swashbuckling Division. They're the rightmost counter on the second floor."
Swashbuckling: "Deep Space Swashbuckling Division. What can I do for you? Sorry. We only deal with white-collar pirate crimes. Mostly lootings. Occasionally, we get some eye-patch insurance fraud, peg-leg smuggling, and booty laundering. But this sounds serious. You better go to Violent Crimes Division next door."
Violent Crimes: "Yes, this is the Violent Crimes Division. We deal with pirates, but you need to fill out a 1067 Victim's Grief and Injury form from Victim's Consultation on the left."
Consultation: "This is Victim's Consultation. You want to fill out a form 1067? I'm afraid I can't let you do that. You see, you haven't sustained any significant bodily harm. If you're looking for someone, try Missing Persons. They're over on the left."
Maintenance: "Sorry, we had what managing calls a "restructuring," and Missing Persons was made "redundant." And now they've gone...missing! HAHAHAHA. Oh, man... Anyway, you should probably go talk to Cosmic Patrol next door."
Cosmic Patrol: "This is Cosmic Patrol. Can I help you? Pirates? Why didn't you say so! Go up the stairs and hang a right. That's where Gren Security is stationed. The supervisor up there should be able to help."
Brie Pourri: "Hello there. Yes, this is Gren Security. Hmm... That sounds awful! I'm sorry, I really am. But I can't help. Maybe you'll have better luck over at Public Relations next door?"
PR: "Welcome to Public Relations. What can I do for you? Whoa, that's terrible! I wish there was something I could do, but my hands are tied here. It's against Space Police policy to release information to civilians that aren't authorized by the chief. If I were you, I'd go to the chief's secretary and see if I could get authorization. The secretary is through the door on the left."
Secretary: "This is the chief's office, but the chief is out right now. If you really want, you can talk to his incompetent stand-in, Lt. Mugwort, when he comes back from the bathroom. Did I just say that out loud?"
Lt. Mugwort: Oh, man! I'm all outta TP! Hey! Hey, I need you to bring me some toilet paper from Provisions! Stat!"
Provisions: "This is Precinct Provisions. Toilet paper? Sure, just ask the maintenance dude for an expense report and then... You know what? Who cares about the red tape! Here, just take some. Oh, man...that was so liberating!"
Lt. Mugwort: "Bring me some toilet paper! On the double!"
- (Don't give it)
- "What?! What knid of monster would-- Come on, buddy, just give me the toilet paper! Please!"
- (Give it)
- "Ohh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Crisis averted! Ahem! Well, then. We're all friends now and all, but why were you talking to me while I was in the stall? You need to talk to me? Yes, well, meet me in my office."
Lt. Mugwort: "Astro Pirates are kidnapping people? That's awful and all, but it doesn't concern the Space Police. You can file a report if you want. If you bring us the villain, we'll arrest him. Otherwise, forget it. Space Police have families, you know. We have many fine pastries to snack on. We can't just bravely rush into their hideout! That would be insane! I'm sure you understand. For everyone's continued safety, we have instituted an all-paperwork policy. I will file this report for you."
Lassi: "The space Police Couldn't police their way out of their chairs! If they aren't going to save Miss Madeleine, we'll do it ourselves!"
Mokka: "That was SO helpful. It sure is a good thing we navigated that bureaucratic obstacle course."
- While Mugwort is in the bathroom, an object appears on the toilet in the other stall. It is not there before he is in the bathroom, nor is it there afterwards. Its purpose is unknown.